Wednesday, May 15, 2013

heart broken

Please cross your fingers (pray if you do that sort of thing) that we are making the correct decisions for our family. I'm feeling so vulnerable and not a good mummy for dropping Master Happy off at his 4th kindy/preschool in 2 years this morning. We were so happy with our Montessori preschool in Christchurch but it's smack bang in the middle of the Red Zone (oh we loved biking there beside the picturesque Avon River which BTW will be looking stunning right now). So we made the decision to come back to Wellington (our heart home we thought?). Sometimes I regret our decision to leave as we knew 'the plan' there. Have you seen some of the cool stuff happening in Christchurch?
2011, age 2, first day @ Montessori, 2 and a half hours x 2 a week
Now we've been to the closest kindy while on a waitlist for a Montessori, then Montessori, then home with mum (Montessori didn't work out) and now another kindy while we are on the waitlist for Te Ra Rudolph Steiner. It is breaking my heart. He wants to go back to the 'old, new kindy' to play with 'honey bunny' (quite obliviously the bunny). He was so sweet this morning at the 'new, new kindy' they introduced him at mat/circle time then when the teacher said they were going to make music he got up and did a little dance for them (to imaginary music), then sat down, bent his head and went all red. He is so excited to be there and it does tick lots of boxes for him. I was happy for him. Also somebody told me he looked so cute. Blush.
wearing hungry caterpillar pants, t-shirt and bag
It would have been nice if I could insert an almost 4 year old photo outside the new, new kindy this morning here but it's not as our camera is 'misplaced' I really hope I've not left it outside! Like days ago.... starting to get a bit worried....
staying at home with mum looks like this
The problem lies in not knowing what community we belong to or with. Should it be about lifestyle, ease, finances, the beach, the people. Of course it should be about all of these things but I have this habit of doubting everything. Personally I have a hang up with the 'living in one place thing' as I went to 3 primary schools and I think it affected me. It definitely mucked up my 2 brothers learning and behaviour. Oh and chuck into the mix knowing our friends (let alone our children's godparents*) wouldn't put their children into a Montessori or Steiner is not helpful. Too different but SO nurturing. I sometimes feel that if my Mum and Dad lived close none of this would matter as we'd have more support as a family.

Quietly hoping somebody has something wise to say today in the comments.

* knowing that the godparents will be reading this. Here's a disclaimer (if that is the right word): that is totally OK as we'd be happy for them to choose what they would choose for our children which would be right because it would be what they would choose which is why we choose them. 
** also my man about the house commented that my grammer and speling is aweful these days but you'll excuse me, right, as it's been a while since any academic or professional writting and I have Mummies Brain. Mistakes on perpose.


  1. Your children will be fine, because they have you as their mum and your job is not only to make the best choices for them, but for you to be happy too; if that means a return to Christchurch, or to where your parents are, you have to make it happen. Can your husband return to his former workplace down there? Does he even want to?? As for Steiner education, that's entirely your choice, if you feel it is the best fit for him, it does not matter what others think. It actually sounds to me, from reading this, that you know where you want to be - how can we help you get there?

    1. Thanks Leanne. Really I think we just need to get Master Happy settled then I'll feel better. Then I can start worrying about where to buy a house which is kinda exciting.

  2. What makes you a great parent Sus, but also I think does your head in sometimes, is that you really think carefully about what is right for your kids and your family. Most of the rest of us go with the flow, and while that is less stressful in terms of making decisions, it isn't tailoring things to our children. As you said it is sometimes hard for you because those of us who you perhaps would really like to share the journey into the places you would really like to go e.g: Steiner school, don't share the same philosophies (for the record I think Montessori is amazing, but you are right I am not sure about Steiner). As Leanne says you get to make your own decisions about what is right for your family, but its hard if that journey is a lonely one. I know from teaching Steiner kids at swimming their families seem like an amazing bunch of creative, environmentally minded people (I was watching one of them grocery shop last night and admiring their trolley choices!)and they seem to know each other really well. Could you take N to a play group and meet some of those parents and try to find someone to befriend who shares your lifestyle choices and philosophies? I think if you could surround yourself with people who make the same choices then maybe you would feel like you were part of a community. Of course I am not saying don't still make the rest of us part of your lives, you aren't rejecting us by finding a group of people who share some of your ideals. I am really lucky that I have a few friends close by who share my parenting viewpoints and who I can call upon for support. I don't think you have found that here yet and I feel like I have let you down a bit by not being there, but I think you probably need someone who is going to make the same call as you about things and that probably isn't me. And that's OK! You need to do what makes you happy and as Leanne said your kids will be happy if you are. Don't just think about S and N, think about the type of person you are and the other parents you want to hang around with and share support and ideals with. What would make you happy because that will rub off on your kids. I have taken ages to write this! I also know sometimes know from myself that it becomes tempting to keep moving and changing things in an attempt to be happy, when really it is about how can you be happy with what you have (with a few small changes). To an extent is this really about decisions for S and N or about you being happy? What can you do and what can we do as your friends to get you to a place where you are happy and content? Is there also anything you need to do for yourself?

    1. You are too wise for your own good dear Sara. Thanks. Much Love.


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